September 26th, 2003.

Christian porn.

Recently a friend of mine told me by email that she had taken a new job as a Christian driving instructor. The distinction of her being a Christian driving instructor seemed a little unusual to me, and made me wonder whether there were other specific types of driving instructors one could choose. Vegan driving instructors maybe, or perhaps lefthanded driving instructors. The possibilities seemed endless.

She wrote that the driving school she had joined was run with Christian principles in mind, but I’m left wonder what that might entail? Prayers before each lesson perhaps? I don’t want to be disparaging here but one might think that of all professions in the world where prayer might already be part of the job, driving instructor is surely one of them. Just imagine how frightening it must be to sit next to someone who has never driven a car before as they venture out onto a busy street. Frankly, I would imagine prayer beads might be as essential as seat belts.

It got me wondering what a Christian driving school might be like. Do Christians drive differently? Slower perhaps? Does each car have that little fish sticker and happy-clappy Christian praise music playing. Come to that, maybe there’s special Christian music just for Christian drivers?

"Shine Jesus Shine, Bring this road all your truth and glory, flow traffic flow..."

Road rage is unholy by its very nature, of course, but now I am wondering if perhaps a Christian who has learned to drive in a ‘Godly’ manner might also learn to road rage in the same way?

"OH COME ON, MOSES COULD GET THE ISRAELITES THROUGH THERE!"

The whole concept of a Christian driving school makes me wonder if there’s anything Christians wouldn’t want to copy, rip off, or adopt. After all, there’s Christian music, Christian cafes, Christian television, Christian gyms, even Christian dating services. Really, is there anything that the Christians have co-opted?

Porn!! Surely there is no Christian porn?

I almost don’t want to search for this because think about how Christians always do substandard versions of things they rip off. They’d rename sex positions and end up with things like the 77 and reverse choirgirl or something?

Of course, I do search the internet using the term “Christian porn” and I have to say I am almost disappointed with the offerings. There’s loads of websites about how it’s bad, and none with anything even remotely amusing. Sure, I didn’t expect to find real Christian porn, but I thought I might find more humor about it.

There was one website I thought might be amusing titled “100% Christian porn for men who love god and hot naked women.” Awesome, I thought, someone with a sense of humor. But no, instead, large red letters on a dizzying blue animated background read “If you came here looking for REAL porn Repent NOW and beat the rush on Judgement day!!!

What a shame. Though I wonder, now that I’ve written about this subject will some Christian soul looking for some holy unholy action find their way to this page? I imagine if they do they’ll be disappointed. They were looking for some low quality badly copied and strangely polite version of porn where the videos don’t have the nasty titles normal porn does, but instead have titles like “Godly gentleman fellowships hard with a dutiful wife.”

I guess if you’re that guy then you should know that as disappointed as you may be, Jesus is surely more disappointed that you’re here. Now repent you worthless sinner!